I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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