My liver just broke up with me...
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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