he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize