For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
