best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Randomize
