I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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