i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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