i dedicated my morning wood to you.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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