I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
