I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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