I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
