Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
