I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
