I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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