My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
