I think I won the penis lottery.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
