i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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