I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
