Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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