Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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