just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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