the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
