I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Randomize