After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
