He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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