Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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