I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My Sexting was not on an AP level
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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