chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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