if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
