1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
it was like his penis was on wheels.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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