After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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