Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
pray to the hookup gods
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
