Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize