apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
