I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
