I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
