Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
