peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
