Cold hands, warm shart.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Shame - the story of my life.
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