i always forget guys have bellybuttons
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
