note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
