If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
