you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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