I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
