he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
