He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
