I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
