I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
how does that bad decision feel?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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