I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
