I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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