He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
