On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
