I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
