Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
