You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
