I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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