the condom got lost in my hair
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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