Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
